What I never got the chance to say
by sekangel88
Summary: He thought him walking out on him was the hardest thing but it turned out that leaving permanetly hurt far worse. This time he left where he couldn't follow making him feel bad because he couldn't see it even when he had loved him much more than life.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.

Pairings: Past Maes/Roy, Havoc/Roy, future Ed/Roy

* * *

><p>Chapter One<p>

He tried to remember why he was doing this in the middle of the night or early morning again. His mind was numb and hazy but here he was doing it anyways. He had work the next day and yet here he was going up and down the road trying to effectively shut up the crying infant. He quietly cursed the cause of this realizing that the other needed to learn some responsibility. He slowed down a bit just to have the baby girl squall in discontentment. She really needed to start sleeping at night but the two month old was starting to make the Lieutenant Colonel an insomniac. It was no wonder why he was so irritated at work.

"Calm down baby. Isabella you just had your two in the morning feeding time and I changed your nappy. I have work you brat and I shouldn't have to entertain you for an hour. I'm tired."

She just gave a sound that suspiciously sounded like a huff making Roy sigh. She was a big seven pound baby. She made him suffer although he did have meds that numbed it some and now she was the reason he was so grumpy lately. He wasn't about to pin it on some post-partum shit that the doctor had said that he had. He was a man and he wasn't prone to that. Hell the first thing he did was throw the damn medicine down the toilet. He didn't need anti-depressants anyways. It wasn't fair that the one who fathered the baby had told on him and said that he found out that he was crying because the baby made him sleep less and he just didn't have much of an appetite. Lousy prick was his thought about that.

He noticed that she calmed down in his arms and that she seemed to be asleep again. He paused seeing if she would cry again but she didn't so he headed back towards the unit of town houses he lived in. Entering back into the house, he tried to place her softly in her little crib only to have her start screaming again.

"This is where the papa wishes he had a gun to shoot himself with," He mumbled to himself.

Havoc had taken his guns away when he found out that he had been thinking about hurting himself. Of course it could have been more largely due to the breakup. Havoc really didn't want to be stuck with the responsibility of raising a kid based on the fact that he was a second lieutenant and any chance of being with the lieutenant colonel would end their jobs. It was considered fraternization despite the gender and since Roy always had huge dreams of changing the country, Havoc rationally believed that Roy would get over this in the future.

He picked her up again which made her tone lessen but she was still wailing until Roy slowly rocked her in his arms. She really was a loud baby he thought. Her blue eyes were something he couldn't get past though. His eyes were dominant or so he had thought until he saw her deep blue eyes and of course her hair may be dark now but she didn't have dark eyebrows which could be saying something.

"You are gonna put me into an early grave," he muttered to himself with a smile.

Sighing, he dropped into the rocking chair and rocked her wishing he was allowed to sleep too. He would have even been okay with her laying in his bed but she wasn't satisfied with that alone. No, she wanted papa to hold her and to be lulled into her dreams. He guessed on one level he didn't blame her. He didn't remember his birth mother. Only the woman that had raised him as her own and his father of course until up to the point where they died in that accident. Then there was his Aunt Christmas who took him in when he was six. Smiling, he finally decided that she wasn't that bad. Her little hands and feet were still small and he always feared that he would hurt her but in the end she was his flesh and blood, something he helped make. Havoc stopped showing responsibility so he made the choice right there and now. Who needed love? He loved his daughter and that was enough. Seeing as how she was deeply dependent upon him, he liked that. He also wanted somebody that just didn't want him for his body or his mind; he found that he loved feeling needed as well. And his baby needed him right now.

She would be his baby alone.

* * *

><p>Havoc sighed.<p>

Hawkeye didn't have to make it blatantly obvious, she could have just motioned that somebody should get the man. What she didn't know wouldn't kill her though, he thought savagely. She was just in love with the lieutenant colonel for all the wrong reasons though. He wondered what she would say when she found out that Havoc had gotten through to Mustang and she couldn't even get the man to stop playing protective older brother to her. He surmised that if she did know then it would probably be a whole lot worse but he couldn't really help it.

If only he had known that the man could get knocked up though. He knew that was something you don't tell your family over the dinner table. He could see it now if he had told his mother. 'You see there was this thing in Ishbal when he was at war that caused him to be able to carry children, basically messed up his anatomy but never told anybody about it out of embarrassment. I know it is a long stretch of the truth but now I have a daughter and you are a grandma.' He could just laugh at the faces they would make. Country folk hated homosexuals. He grew up being told that if he were ever wanting to go to heaven then he would follow what they preach.

Havoc did for a long time and he did believe in everything that was preached within reason of course. There was still some cults that he wouldn't join even if they begged. The point was they would hate it if they were to ever find out that he made a child with another man let alone the fact that they weren't even married which made it even worse, there was a chance that he could get kicked out. He didn't know what the man's parents had taught him but Mustang was certainly not as scared to take on a relationship with a member of the same sex. He was going to save the man his dignity and his reputation. He still had a country to save and that went first and foremost before he could even think about considering it.

He pushed open the door, cursing Mustang for leaving the door unlocked. Why would he be so careless? He got his answer right when he entered the nursery seeing as how he wasn't sleeping in his bed. He was in the rocking chair with their daughter still in his arms. He thought about lifting her up so that he could wake Mustang up without worrying about the baby falling but one look at her sleeping face, he knew he couldn't. If he picked her up, he would want to hold her. He couldn't hold her because he didn't want her to know that she was his too.

"Sir, you have work," he said aloud.

Roy cracked open an eye and glared at him before adjusting his arms due to having the weight on them all night and going back into a light slumber. Havoc looked at him in annoyance but was glad he was the one to get him. If he wasn't then what the hell would Hawkeye think? They kept it from her so far and he was pretty sure she was best off not knowing about the girl either.

"Get your lousy ass up," he whined.

Roy groaned before trying to withdraw from Havoc's hands. He couldn't stand being pinched. Havoc knew that and he also knew that he was ticklish but only on certain spots. There was so much he learned from the months he had been with his superior that he thought his heart was going to explode by just trying to walk away from it all. He wasn't forced or bribed into the relationship either regardless about what people said about rank and sucking cock to stay on a higher ups good side. Roy was the one that admitted he liked him when he was drunk but Havoc was the one that took the invitation and ravished him into the man's mattress. He didn't need coercion and he found as a bonus that the man made quite a cute drunk.

"Leave m'lone," He whined.

Havoc sighed.

The baby woke up with a cry and Roy finally knew when he had to face defeat, stood up with a sigh. He definitely didn't have the fat anymore and it had only been what, five in a half months since the last time he was in this house alone. He wouldn't tell him the official reason he was able to carry the kid and Havoc felt that he really did not need to know. He did look tired though, he had dark rings around his eyes and the baby was still squirming in his arms until Roy set her in the crib where she went into a dead sleep at last.

"Sir you look a little tired-"

"It is all your fault!" Roy took a deep breath to calm himself down before heading to the other room so he didn't wake his little girl up again. She was always screaming and fussy, the doctor told him that it was most likely that she had colic. The rocking helped ease her but Roy lost sleep at night as it was.

"I don't want to do this anymore Havoc," he admitted in a whisper.

Havoc just nodded holding him tight. He refused to let him take the easy way out because that was just wrong. He couldn't just end his life. Seeing as how he had the womanizing man in his arms, he wondered idly why Roy bitched to him a lot of the times now. Didn't he realize they weren't meant to last? Sure they had a kid but barring the kid from their relationship at the moment. They had nothing in common and he doubted he'd want to be with him for long. He had to tell himself this because then it made things easier, he was able to make the man let him go.

He ran his hands through the other's hair liking the smooth texture.

"I seriously can't-"

"Where's your medicine?" he asked interrupting him in the middle of his rant. He looked at him defiantly but Havoc guessed they somehow met their end in some way, shape, or form. Roy was exhausted, wasn't eating right, and was cranky. He was talking about suicide because of the post-partum depression. He needed some serious intervention fast.

"Why can't you get a babysitter Roy?" he knew it would be a sharp blow to the man because Roy had insisted that he call him by his first name when they were alone. Roy looked if impossible madder.

"Good job jackass!" he spat. "You should take responsibility for your daughter too. Are you just going to abandon her and walk out when she needs you? You need her too don't you?"

Havoc sighed before kissing his tears away knowing Roy wasn't acting normal because of the hormones. He was about to find a way to snap him out of it when Roy pulled him into a searing kiss making Havoc moan before he could stop himself. Roy hoisted himself onto Havoc, straddling him before continuing. The other man moaned knowing that they weren't late for work necessarily, Hawkeye told him to check up on Roy not to come back to work. It was a hot day outside anyways and everyone was getting out. Maybe she assumed he was with Roy now. No matter what the reason was, she didn't know where Roy lived anyways so they were safe.

Roy already had no footwear since he had been sleeping previously. It made things easier since he was in a t-shirt and boxers. Havoc started to trail bites and kisses down Roy's jawline, pushing the man's body flush against his. He knew that the man wouldn't call rank on him for this that was for certain. It was free game as far as he was concerned. He removed his own boots, his jacket, and his pants. He quickly took off his own shirt as well leaving only his boxers on for the time being. He knew that despite his womanizing ways, Roy was not able to tolerate being taking hard and dry no matter how much he tried. The one left him bleeding and it took letting Roy tie him up to get the man to forgive him.

"Are you sure you really want to do this? This can't mean anything." Roy glared at him eyes searching for the truth beyond what Havoc had just told him.

"Why? You never minded before." It was true and Havoc was willing to say that everything changed when Roy had had that baby. It wasn't like he meant to knock him up or that he was leaving him just because that but he didn't want to disappoint his mom and he didn't want to ruin the only goals that Roy had set for himself. The baby had already changed everything enough. How would he be able to rule when he had weak spots? He should just take the kid and risk the wrath of his mother but he knew that Roy would die before he let that happen so he left the baby alone.

"Roy I know you are going to hate me and I know that you are going to be mad but listen, I can't be with you. You have a bigger cause that you have to concentrate on. You have a baby that will love you enough. Find a nice girl to love that baby with too. Please just don't act like this. Take those meds the doctor gave you and get back where you were." He stepped over to pull his clothes back on. Roy hadn't moved yet and he knew this was one final blow. He probably never had someone dump him before. "Don't worry even if they find out, you could say that you dumped me to save ego, how's that?"

Roy didn't say a thing, only looking at the floor. Havoc ruffled his hair as he made his exit hoping that the man would get up soon and get a shower then do what he told him to do. He would make it, he told himself, he was strong. He had a dream that nobody not even their daughter could compare to and that was the reason he backed the man in everything he did.

On the other hand, he was sure it was a good thing that they hadn't finished what they started. It would just hurt the both of them and Roy already had one child to deal with, he didn't need to be depressed and be having another. In the end, Havoc realized that if he had continued doing what he did, Roy wouldn't get the big picture and would continue to think that he secretly loved him. He told himself that he couldn't do that and that the baby would be fine with a single parent for now. When Roy met somebody knew he would look back at this and laugh. He needed to be happy though and that was the only thing Havoc ever wanted for Roy.

* * *

><p>It was a month later when he found out from Hughes that Mustang had taken leave and was going to someplace called Rizenbul. Havoc tried to sound discreet but Hughes just smirked telling him amongst all the babble about Gracia that Roy had left behind a three month old for them to watch until they got back. Supposedly Hughes and Roy told each other everything because he knew whose baby it was and even though he disagreed he knew that it was Havoc's decision to make and that Hughes wasn't going to change it. Roy would make it okay, he also reassured. Roy was tough underneath and always bounced back. Before he hung up relieved about Mustang being alright, Hughes told him one more thing.<p>

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I mean I saw the way you would look at him when he wasn't paying attention and you must have loved him. Why would you go through all the lengths to make sure he did all that? Don't sell yourself short Jean, I know that Roy loves you and all but you should listen to your heart."

"I have been and I'm doing what it's telling me to. Please don't let him go too far, I know that we all care about him but you are his best friend-"

"And we'll ignore the fact that you were fuck buddies-Damn it you should hear yourself talk! Why would you want to abandon your daughter? I understand everything else but you don't even hold her!"

"I'm okay and everything is alright. Bella can't know me because that's another thing that ties what me and him did, don't you get that. I want to protect him!"

"If you're sure-"

"I am. I'm very sorry for bothering you though. I hope that you do okay."

As he made his way into the resturaunt he told himself he had to be. What kind of life would one child have if she were shunned by her peers because of who her parents were? So what he was in love with the man, he grew up thinking it was wrong. It was wrong to love like this and that's why he ended it as well. Mostly for Mustang but also for that.

The question wasn't was he okay, it was how he was going to be able to handle being away from a love that strong.

* * *

><p>AN: Please review and tell me what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA.

Pairings: Past Maes/Roy, Havoc/Roy, future Ed/Roy

* * *

><p>Chapter two<p>

Waking up to a foot in the face wasn't exactly the start of a good morning but the innocent little three year old often snuck into his bed in the middle of the night. Roy didn't have the heart to throw her out though, especially since she claimed there were monsters in her closet that would eat her. He could hardly remember being that young and having such a big imagination.

He groaned sitting up. Isabella was a kicker and half the reason he always woke up with some sort of pain or ache in his back. He gave her a look, tiredly observing her. She had kept her baby blue eyes and her dark hair had lightened up quite a bit. Of course her hair was blonde by the time she was twelve months old. He found it weird when she had such dark hair at birth and only showed that it was turning at six months. It was soft though and it went down to the top of her shoulder.

"Isabella time to wake up," he told her softly.

He dodged the foot that would have hit him in the head had he been there a second later. She started to whine and not having the time to wait until she was fully up, cradling her with one arm while he dressed her with the other. He leant her against him whilst pulling her hair back into a ponytail and secured it with a magenta rubber band. By the time he was finished, she smiled up at him and gave a tiny little kiss on his cheek.

"Goo' morning papa."

"Good morning sweetheart." She beamed at that, allowing herself off the bed, waiting for him to finish dressing himself before going to eat.

They had her favorite, toast and after getting her face cleaned, they brushed their teeth. Whenever she got bored with the brush, Roy motioned for her to keep on brushing. She hated the flossing though and didn't hesitate to whine when as he tried to successfully run the string between every tooth.

"Oh come on Bella, you want clean teeth right? Papa does it."

She finally nodded now that he was finished, taking his hand. She put on her own shoes whilst he put on his boots. She refused to let him help her tie her shoes, insisting that she could do it on her own. He waited five minutes when she finally had it looped and tied although he knew it wouldn't last all morning but left it be seeing as how she had a triumphant look on her face while she looked at him.

"Papa, I did it."

"You did indeed baby. I'm proud of you."

He left her with Gracia most days since she was happy to play with Elysia. Elysia was two years old and had a different personality altogether. It was kind of funny to see how their personalities clash seeing as how they were around the same age and yet they were different as night and day. He couldn't help but think that Elysia was definitely luckier than the two though because she had both parents with her and Isabella only had one.

"I love you papa."

He gave her a kiss on the cheek and left her to play with the other girl. Gracia smiled watching them and knowing that Roy had to go to work, didn't stop him. She did call out to him as he was leaving though and he turned to see what she had called him for making her smile serenely.

"Bella is a good girl Roy. Don't worry about her so much alright?"

Roy just shook his head.

"I was thinking about how big she was getting to be. She could already tie her shoes. What's next, she'll be needing me less? I really want her to need me for a while."

Gracia smiled.

"Sometimes I don't know who's worse, you or my husband. She is your little girl, remember that okay?"

Roy nodded before stepping out. It was true that she was his and that she was going to be dependent on him until her teenage years but with every year it seemed that it was another one closer until the day she would go away and he didn't know if he wanted that. He definitely didn't want to think that though.

If only time could freeze and she could stay this way.

* * *

><p>"What's the matter Havoc?" Breda was secretly amused.<p>

It seemed that their superior officer was stealing the other man's girls again. It didn't really surprise him anymore but the fact that Havoc was depressed by it often made him rethink what he should tell him often. He did think it was amusing but he didn't want his best friend to know that. Especially since he had no idea what it could possibly be that was causing him to be upset in the first place.

"Nothing new. Mom wants me to meet a girl and have children so that she could see her grandchildren before she dies. Oh and how could I forget, Mustang stole my girlfriend again!" His sarcasm wasn't going to be taken in high regard because this was how Mustang and Havoc normally were. Breda always heard about Mustang taking the girl all the time now.

"I can see how your mom would want a grandchild but-"

"But nothing! I don't want children anyways. They are too much responsibility and they keep you awake at night. Hell, they make you stay up while they get rocked to sleep. And if that isn't bad enough, they suffer from colic and a whole range of things that succeed in making you an insomniac. If that wasn't bad enough, there's the post-partum depression. Sorry but I don't think I need a baby in my life thank you!"

Breda frowned.

"But what if you get married and your spouse wants a baby? What would you do then?" Havoc snorted.

"I will say so up front so that they don't give any false expectations."

He didn't bother telling Breda he had a daughter anyways. He remembered Mustang taking him aside and giving him pictures of her and she was surely cute despite being a brat as an infant. She was like two or three the last time he checked and Mustang had said she was a good girl. When he asked why he was giving him updates, Mustang just frowned and even though he hadn't meant to, Havoc felt like he had possibly hurt his feelings. God he would give anything to have him to stop having feelings for him but then again, Havoc still harbored secret feelings for the man himself. Sometimes life couldn't be fair though.

"You seem to know an awful lot about babies though," Fuery joined in.

Havoc took out a cigarette huffing at the thought that if he told them the truth, they would probably fall out of their chair in shock. He wouldn't though since he hadn't been with the man for three years now and wasn't going to go back on his word now. He may be a lieutenant now but he would still be committing fraternization if he got together with him. Hell, he wasn't going to be doing anything with Hawkeye so there was no way he should do anything with him. Why pick him when he could be with that girl?

"WHERE THE HELL IS THE BLASTED COLONEL!"

And there walked in Edward.

"I think you should look where he is always at before bitching." Havoc said miserably.

Ed only raised an eyebrow before turning to the rest.

"What crawled up his ass and died?" Havoc wanted to hit the kid then and there. That was another reason he didn't want to having kids. What would happen if he ended having one like Ed? He didn't know anything about Isabella other than she was supposedly a good kid. Elysia was a good girl too and he knew because of what Hughes told them what seemed like every hour sometimes. If not then every single day.

"Mustang stole another girlfriend," Falman answered for the rest.

Ed looked over sympathetically and Havoc found himself not caring. There was no telling why Mustang did it but if they knew that Mustang was actually bi then what would they think about their fearless leader then? Ed then waved and headed for the office. It was quiet for a moment until Roy finally walked in, depositing the umbrella on the stand and sighing.

"You'd think after turning twenty seven, you stop worrying about childish antics." Breda was if anything more amused.

"Of course, although it only works if the twenty seven year old gives up their own childish antics sir." Roy gave him a glare and if looks killed he would have already dropped dead.

"Oh hush you, just because I embrace my inner child doesn't make me immature and those who believe in that shit anyways are too boring."

"Of course sir, I wasn't disagreeing with you anyways. I was only stating a fact to what you were bitching about."

Roy nodded.

"Well when you get kicked in the face or back every night by a significant other, you find that all humor is a form of masochism and that your sense of fun ends when you grow old."

"Was it Havoc's ex-girlfriend that kicked you in the face sir?" Roy looked confused at that and Breda frowned wondering why until the light went off in Roy's eyes and he nodded.

"Oh you're talking about Brenda. Nice girl. Kisses like a fire hydrant though."

Fuery chuckled although Breda didn't think it was funny at all. His boss needed to come up with better analogies. Havoc who knew the 'significant other' that was kicking him at night could only shake his head. Three year olds are good my ass, he thought soberly. Why would a three year old sleep in the same room anyhow? He guess he didn't understand kids at all and was just another reason why he shouldn't have kids. Although at one time he thought that he could have one or even two but that was before he forced himself to take an ultimatum. It was to be happy at the expense of Mustang's happiness and career or let him go and let him be happy. Besides Mustang never actually told him he loved him anyways. He had to be happy now taking all of Havoc's girlfriends away.

"COLONEL SHIT!"

"Fullmetal."

The kid glared at him, angered and red faced at having been kept waiting. Roy gave his other subordinates a wink before following behind Ed. Breda didn't know the extent to which that meant but Havoc seemed to for he laughed.

"He's gonna cause the kid to have a stroke one of these days." Breda frowned for a second before he grinned.

"Maybe but then that will be the day you fall in love with Mustang and the Fuhrer approves gay marriages."

One of those things already happened although what Breda didn't know wouldn't kill him.

* * *

><p>"So Fullmetal, can you explain why you are grouchier than usual? Don't tell me it's the short complex that has you down? Did a girl turn you down because you are so short?-"<p>

"DAMN IT MUSTANG MUST YOU ALWAYS INSULT ME! STOP CALLING ME A PERSON SO SHORT I CAN START MY OWN RELIGION OF SHORTIES!"

"I have to remember that one. I didn't say that Fullmetal but that is a great idea. Why didn't you start a religion based on your height?" Ed just glared and Roy became serious again.

"I want you to be safe while you are here Fullmetal. It seems that Scar is back in the city and he is killing again. You and your brother are going to be watched by Breda and Havoc alright? That means you don't go a single place without telling them. They are going to be committed to keeping you safe and I for one am not going to be responsible for you getting hurt. Listen and I'll give you another lead."

Ed looked at him as though searching for any discrepancies he saw in the talk he's had with him so far. He found none and grumbled to himself before replying.

"If you're so worried why can't you just give me a lead and send me away?"

"Remember last year's assessment?" By the look on the kid's face, Roy knew that he remembered. He just couldn't let the kid leave before then anyways. He would let Hughes house them but then Bella came over there so often that they were bound to put two and two together with Ed being there. He didn't want that and for some reason he felt like he should keep that secret. Havoc had wanted him to and no matter how much it pained him to be, he would respect that man's wish.

"I guess. Funny I never thought you could look so down but you look like your puppy just died."

Roy slipped his mask back in place so fast that Ed had to blink to see if he had seen it at all. He didn't want Fullmetal to know what he felt nor did he want to feel vulnerable in front of anyone. He let himself slip when Isabella was born and he almost went insane at the prospect of Havoc breaking up with him. Damned who did the actual dumping, Roy didn't care about that. He would have a chance in the future to tell him how he felt. He just needed to get Havoc to realize he didn't care about rank and if he felt that they were doing something wrong, he could be the first to tell him that nobody was perfect. He fell apart because of his love for that man though.

"You're dismissed Fullmetal."

Ed blinked but nodded, heading for the door. Roy knew what it was like to be young and hopeful. He knew what it was like to think there was no one in the world that could possibly know what he was going through. He thought there were a lot of things that nobody would relate to but in the end, Havoc was the one that helped him get over himself and even after the nasty breakup, his biting words got him to bounce back onto his feet. He still couldn't help but love the man.

Now if only if he could say those three words out loud. It was easy to feel the love for the man, he really did love him but it was another to tell him. It was just hard to get it out and he was terrible from the start at doing that.

"Fullmetal, keep safe."

Ed paused and nodded.

"You too sir."

Funny Fullmetal never told him that.

Roy dismissed it though and finally began to fill out his paperwork. It was due in two hours. But try as he might to concentrate, he knew that the blue eyed man in the other room was the reason he had been so distracted lately.

Why couldn't he tell him those three simple words?

* * *

><p>AN: Please review and tell me what you think!


End file.
